![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
just jumping from one topic to another
[Half-mended doors and blown-out windows shudder in their frames as Hajime walks past, and patches of the sidewalk that weren't previously damaged in the last Arehtei incursion crunch into rough gravel under his feet. He's noticed, of course. Part of him even remembers hearing and reading about why. (Did he pick that leaflet up a few minutes ago? An hour? Three?) Those are the rules of this world, set in stone, just as alien and washing just as far over his talentless head as those of the one he left.
What he doesn't know is where the hell he's going. But if he stops moving, his train of thought will get going again instead. And if his train of thought gets going, it'll only circle back around to the same place - the same chill in the cavernous class courtroom, the same silence so different from the heat of the earlier trials. The same despair.
There's no way he can handle that. On his own, there's no way someone like him can handle that...]
Damn it!
[For a moment he makes as if to bodily ram all of his frustration into the partly-crumbled wall beside him, but in the end he just slumps. He's tired. Every cell inside him is tired. He's tired, he can still see her smiling at him from the opposite podium when he screws his eyes shut, and there aren't many people who could make a day like this worse.]
What he doesn't know is where the hell he's going. But if he stops moving, his train of thought will get going again instead. And if his train of thought gets going, it'll only circle back around to the same place - the same chill in the cavernous class courtroom, the same silence so different from the heat of the earlier trials. The same despair.
There's no way he can handle that. On his own, there's no way someone like him can handle that...]
Damn it!
[For a moment he makes as if to bodily ram all of his frustration into the partly-crumbled wall beside him, but in the end he just slumps. He's tired. Every cell inside him is tired. He's tired, he can still see her smiling at him from the opposite podium when he screws his eyes shut, and there aren't many people who could make a day like this worse.]
no subject
It only takes one spiky-haired boy slumped against a ruined wall to rip the pep from his strides. Ice forms over the gravel and rips across any flat surface in a mercyless take over. Thick fog rolls in at ground level to swallow the hazardous road beneath his feet. He doesn't know how to feel. Whatever words he'd thought he'd have are gone. He thought he'd feel rage. But he doesn't even have that. Just fear, shock, and confusion.
He takes a step, then another while the ice forms on the edges of the grey coat slapping at the back of his thighs. He tends to wear the local fashion while on the job. His black vest has traces of copper wire around the buttons and pocket.]
....You're...here.
[His voice is soft, almost a whisper and there's no smile on his face.] Why.
Why now?
[He doesn't have the energy to deal with any of this or to dig at Hinata to find out what he knows. He digs his fingers into his arm as the bubble of stressed laughter builds in his chest.]
But...it's better I found you than her.
no subject
[If Komaeda's consternation is sharp and cold as ice, Hajime's... is no more than a whistle of wind, briefly disturbing the fog. He almost forgets to wrench himself away from the wall before he steps back. There should be more of a jolt here - he can feel the space where it should be, disgust and anger and betrayal and terror and anger bundled inseparably together. But it's a bundle wrapped up in some corner far away. He has nothing left to give it. At one point he thought he wanted to understand this guy, but that was back when he believed he might fully understand anything ever again.
When did Komaeda have time to dress up the way he is? Who's this "her"? Does it matter? Does he care even if it does? Where the frost across the pavement reaches Hajime's feet, it dulls, melting into the ground and the fog.]
... Go ahead and laugh if you want. It's fine.
[Not that he asked for Hajime's permission, before that or before anything else he's done.]
no subject
The ice cracks as his rage gathers around him in a snarl of thunder that abruptly fizzes out. Everything summoned by his emotions is turning to ash all around them and falling onto the road. Komaeda Nagito does something he never did on the islands. He buries his face in his hands and just breathes.]
You have no idea what I'm talking about or, where you are.
[His words are hollow. Any other time he could muster up enough to mask how he feels. Being faced with Hinata is like a kick when he's already down. He doesn't know what to do or what he wants. The hate. Betrayal. Rage. All of it is slipping out of his hands and falling into the storm of confusion in his head.
The fog is all that remains, swallowing the ashes and the road up to their shins.]
no subject
no subject
[His arms wrap around his body as if he needs the support or to keep himself from falling apart. He doesn't even know which it is anymore.]
This is none of my doing. I don't want you to here. But now, you're stuck here just like I have been for six months.
[It's easy to guess why Hinata's so angry. He has the plan that was enacted sitting in his head. This...is like Mukuro and Junko's situation. He wants none of it. As if the thought prompts an action he walks right on past the other boy, forcing his hands to his sides.]
This is Verens. Where emotions physically manifest and no one knows why we're here. The living, the dead, and the in-between all find their way here.
[It sounds like he's dead with the utter lack of anything but bitterness in his voice as he explains that much.]
I'll give you the clue you're too addled to see. [He doesn't want to do this but right now what he wants isn't going to happen. Hinata won't vanish. Komaeda carelessly points at the fog. To the remaining ice still clinging to the upper parts of the buildings and the flakes of ash.]
All of this is mine. [He drops down, scooping up a handful of gravel.] This is you. I remember this road not being this terrible, that's why I picked it for my walk home.
no subject
Mind, looking him in the face is no better. Six months? The living, the dead and the in between...? So much Hajime wants to ask; so, so much that wouldn't be worth it. He's not that addled.
He shakes his head.] I noticed that with some of the buildings they were repairing. Things like nails coming loose when [Hajime] people walked close to them... That isn't normal.
[Does he sound a little defensive? Maybe he is. A little.]
no subject
The gravel falls from his fingers, a river of stones to clatter down like everyone has in the memory of the Arehtei. He reaches up, closing his hands over his arms and digging his nails back into himself again. He has a feeling the 'damn' that Hinata had given is gone.] Everything you feel becomes a physical thing here. ...I could explain it all but I doubt you're up for that.
[His chest stings and he covers his mouth as a coughing fit wracks his body. Damn it. Now is definitely not the time for this. He bites some of it back, pulling his hand away as the worst of it passes.]
And I overtaxed myself recently. [He slowly climbs to his feet, dusting off his thighs as if he hadn't just looked too fragile. Even standing feels like too much effort. But he'll be damned if he passes out here. To make a show of being strong enough to still handle Hinata and anything else, he gestures with his left hand.] But, I have to say this much.
The last thing I remember about the islands is clearing the final dead room. I woke here when the file was placed in my hands. Unfortunately, the one behind Monokuma is here as well. She has been here longer than I have and she knows exactly what we both once were.
Stay away from Junko Enoshima...at least until I can explain it all to you. I'd rather do it than let her do it. I imagine that file only contained that you were in the reserve course.
That's... [He pauses, covering his mouth but no coughing comes so he continues.] not all of your story, Hinata Hajime.
...I imagine you'd rather be quit of my presence. Back down the way you came you can arrange for lodgings. They will be yours while you're here. ...so long as you have your crystal you can get in and out without a problem. Many people here will be willing to fill you in on everything. ...but I advise you go rest before facing all of that.
Call for me, with the crystal when you want to know everything I know. [Having just dominated the air, the conversation with his voice he turns to leave and starts walking away. Truth be told, he too needs a rest and time away from the confusion in his heart.]
no subject
[On instinct he'd stepped forward despite himself as Komaeda hunched over, just shy of reaching out despite himself. But he freezes in place instead, finds his voice again too late, and the paler-faced boy is gone - along with any faint hope Hajime had of this situation finally coming together.
Down at his side, he clenches his fists, but not for long before they drop. The fog gradually drifts away from him on the whistling wind. He's tired. Really tired.
A little over a full day later is the first time he properly opens his eyes again. He barely remembers if he's eaten; he barely remembers picking his way through the debris-strewn streets and finding his way to this apartment in the first place. When he sits up and catches his reflection in the window, even his tie looks worse for the wear. And yet the spiky little crystal dangling from a string underneath it is no less inexplicably pristine than when he first noticed it.
He eyes it, furrowing his brow. He wants to know. The only option he's been given so far is guaranteed to make the cacophony of his mental state a hundred times worse, but... he wants to know.
Remembering the pamphlet, he tries to concentrate, but his focus keeps slipping. Komaeda's appearance is distinctive enough; the problem is the blood that keeps seeping into his thoughts, the flames that flicker in the corner.]
Komaeda? Are you there?
[He'll only try this once, he decides. If it doesn't work, then all the better, really.]
no subject
What? ...Hinata...? [Shock mixes with embarrassment, flooding through in warm colors before Nagito forces it down. He'd passed out right after work. He must have forgotten to take off his crystal before he laid down.]
Sorry about that. I was asleep. What do you need? [He can't muster up the calm he projects on all his messages just yet. Hinata's just treated to his frazzled nerves and frustration directed at himself. At least he hadn't been dreaming. The horror halls of his memories and what manifest in his dreams are...too much even for him.
Nagito scrubs at his face with one hand to banish the last threads of drowsiness. He had nearly believed the other boy hadn't arrived at all. Of course just as he's convinced himself that, Hinata made himself known.] Mmm, if you hadn't read about it yet. It's best to take your crystal off before you sleep or you might wind up showing people your dreams. You're really fortunate you didn't get a glimpse of mine.
no subject
He's not too nervous for a pang of exasperation to make it into his reply, though. For all this guy claims to hate himself, he sure enjoys the sound of his own voice sometimes.]
If you don't want to explain any more, I'll go do something else.
[Yeah, it's kind of blunt, but in his mind Komaeda has no room to talk.]
no subject
That's not it. I'm not sure where to start. All of you ignored the signs and warnings that were all around us. It would be tedious for both of us if I started from the beginning.
[There's a whisper of confusion that grows in a grey colored haze. He can't even deny it. Not here in a mental link between the two of them.]
...I'm not sure starting right off with what you actually are would fare any better. It's tied directly to Hope's Peak itself and that's...
[He sits up on his couch, burying his face in his hands for a moment. He needs to breathe. When he'd first found it all out he wanted to kill them all, including himself. Now...he can't do that without snuffing out his own hopes. His bond with Hinata like all the others he's forged are part of his life. He doesn't want to lose them. ...It gives him an idea.
His emotions sharpening into that calm he wanted are a hint he found the right words to say.]
Do you remember what Tsumiki said at the end about her beloved?
no subject
- no, one step at a time. He breathes in, then out. If he starts thinking he can take things easy again, there's far more waiting in the wings of his recent memory to drag him back down to hell than the simple fact of Komaeda being a dick. ...Now that, that would unsettle him if it turned out not to be true.]
What are you getting at?
no subject
Just Komaeda's voice is left and even that sounds flat.]
You had better not expect me to just give you the answers. The time you'd have trusted anything I say on my word alone is long over! Let's not insult ourselves by acting like I'm someone you trust.
[The anger is back, giving his frustrated snap a slap to it. He grips his arms and scowls at his boots and wonders why he bothered at all. Oh right, because he doesn't want him to become a pawn. Against him or himself.]
All of it is there, Hinata. We didn't see it. She was despairingly gleeful to exploit that. I suppose, I can give you a little more to work with. Since you are too reluctant to really consider the facts.
[A flicker of memory rises like smoke from a fire, the details show a library but the two tucked away in the corner are like night and day...what's visible of them, anyway. Komaeda Nagito looks as if he hasn't been from the islands long, his hair a tad shorter and his clothes the green coat and shirt he used to wear. The girl across from him is a dark shadow with red, black, and white clothes. The only physical features immediately obvious is her red nails. “But all that changed when the 78th class showed up, though I'm sure I don't need to say why.”
"I don't know why we're going over the facts we both already know. But, for now I'll humor you. That's when the Most Despair Inducing Incident in the History of Mankind happened, didn't it?" Komaeda pauses in the memory, his eyes widening as the air grows thick and heavy with his mounting turmoil. "No. ...that's when you arrived."
He tears at his hair with a frustrated snarl. Hinata is sharp as a sword when he wants to be.]
LITERALLY A YEAR LATER
What the hell is he even looking at?
Think, Hajime, says the part of his brain that has always been harder to shut off. Komaeda is insufferable (and died for it), averse to giving people straight answers (and died for it), and, you know, bugfuck insane (and died for it). But there's always at least some twisted logic to whatever goes on inside his skull, to whatever awful things come out of his mouth. He doesn't bring things up for no reason, even if you're left guessing and guessing again at the reason. And with logic comes some faint, scant possibility of understanding.
He wants to understand. He wants to understand so badly it sends a chill down his spine, wrapping around his limbs and sinking into his probably-empty stomach. But maybe that's the voice, or the image. Hard to say.]
That person... You know them? They're here?
No worries!
He'll just treat this, yes, like he has conversations with people here. Even if he likely won't be believed for telling the truth. The memory fades away, as he sighs mentally.]
Junko Enoshima, Ultimate Despair. She operated Monokuma in the previous killing lives, and she's dead. Just like I assume I am in your time. I don't know who is operating Monokuma on Jabberwock. I don't have all the pieces yet.
Hinata-kun, we all know her. The Future Foundation just made us forget we were once her inner circle. That is Tsumiki's beloved she was talking about. It's possible you didn't know her, but the man they made of your mind and body did.
Kamukura Izuru, a testament to the depravity of the place we loved so much. His birth was the beginning of the end for them especially when she got her claws into him. He was perfect, made to be that way, and so utterly bored with the world because of it.
You may not believe me. No, I'm sure you don't! But we don't have time for you to reach the conclusions yourself. She is here and she knows us better than we know ourselves.
And the Tree of Memory at the center of the city shows forgotten memories as well as ones we can easily recall. Even if you doubt me, the past is coming for you just like it has been hounding my every step here.
no subject
But he can't tune out. ...Can he? If he ignores Komaeda now, will this twisted bastard turn on him again, like before? Won't he be adrift again, and lose his best hope of figuring any of this out?
...Hope. As if.]
It's... hard not to doubt. [A response that Nagito will undoubtedly find some way to shit on, but that's the best response he can come up with in his head while his mouth feels this dry. The floor is beginning to feel drier and grittier, too.] But you're right. I saw you dead.
[Which means they're already far beyond the boundaries of what makes sense. That, in turn, means there must be something more to this. Still thinking, still thinking. Still thinking, despite his every wish to plunge back into the dark and let it swallow him whole.]
Did... that... happen to me? And the rest of us? That can't be it. That doesn't fit with any of the other executions...
no subject
I doubt it. The living and the dead come here, Enoshima's sister is very much alive, and from the point I came from just opening the file, so was I. [It's not like he's upset he's dead. Actually, it makes a lot of things so much easier. He's far calmer than he probably should be. No need to look beneath the flooring to why he so desperately wants Hinata to understand.
No need to think of any of it.]
As far as we can tell this world is crying out for help, from the depths of its coma. It's trying to survive, Hinata-kun and somehow we're the solution. All those who come here, anyway.
From all manners of universes and species. It's a bit like a novel. [A fondness enters his voice. This is home, now. He doesn't have to worry about going back. There's no need for that either.]
no subject
That is what would bring this extended nightmare to an end, right?]
Then... how do we leave? [Because it sounds like they don't. It sounds like they're trapped, again. And the sinking sensation in the pit of his stomach at the thought is one that Nagito probably recognises.]
no subject
Here he can be someone else. Something else.]
It will have to be after the interdiction. It's a barrier that is supposed to slowly fade.
[It isn't lost on him that Hinata wants to be away from him. The feeling is mutual but he can't ignore him either. Not with Junko around.] You might leave all on your own. That happens at times.
No one has to kill anyone here. Not that we'd stay dead if we did. [The reason Junko isn't dead, really.]